When asking for opinions in meetings, it often seems to me as if there is a kind of unspoken ban on picking up on and repeating an aspect of what has already been said. 

Your inner security guard makes you believe that you have to say something clever new no matter what. At that moment, the phrase "I agree with the previous speakers." is pulled out and the repetition loop begins. 

Do you use this standard phrase? Why?

➡ Everything has already been said in the opinion poll and all that's left for you to say is: "I agree." Really?

➡ The others have already formulated it better than you supposedly can. You think so. But your view is unique, so share it and show yourself.

➡ You don't want to be boring (= avoid redundancy). That's nice, but you're not making the most of your opportunity to position yourself (= strong impact).

➡ There is nothing essential to add. Then emphasise one aspect that you find important.

➡ You just can't think of anything new. Why does it have to be something new? Repetition strengthens.

➡ You completely agree with the previous speakers. Perfect, then say it like that.

These are all good reasons. Unfortunately, an "I agree" quickly comes across as if you have no point of view or opinion of your own.

I then get a polonaise as a picture and the feedback round dances on. Unfortunately without positioning and profiling (= sharpening the profile) of the individual. What a pity, because this is your opportunity to be visible in a likeable way and to re-present yourself and your opinion. 

Self in Power is the motto and that's why it's important to seize this opportunity for yourself. To make it easy for you, I would like to offer you a few strong formulations that you can use to simply "connect" AND become positively visible.

Replace the phrase with:

👉 I can confirm that. And ...

👉 That's how I see it too. And ...

👉 I would like to emphasise that. And ...

👉 I can confirm that from my point of view as well. And...

👉 I think XY's point is particularly important. I absolutely agree with that. And....

AND then pick an aspect that you want to emphasise or that is particularly important to you. This is how YOU show your colours and make an effective contribution.

By the way, this does NOT mean that you should start repeating all the points made by the previous speakers. Find the point that is important to you and use it to make your point:

👉"In my opinion, everything essential has already been mentioned.
I would therefore like to emphasise/emphasise/underline just one aspect again, as this is particularly important to me ...".

What do you think of the tip?

What other alternative formulations can you think of for "I agree ..."?

*Bypassing" means going round something or cheating your way round it because it seems to be quicker and, above all, easier. Unfortunately, it's not a good idea when it comes to your next growth step. And it never gets easier in the end. It just takes longer.

Soul leadership means exactly that: your soul guides you. Always with the best intention for you and your development. Even if it doesn't seem that way at first. But you know my favourite mantra: "Looking back, it was good. In the middle it was pretty bad...".

In the cellar is the preserves (= parts of your own power)

If your soul guides you and you allow this, then there are moments when your ego doesn't have so much fun at first. Whenever it gets down to the nitty gritty. This makes me think of my grandma's cellar, where I sometimes had to go as a child to get a jar of preserved fruit or vegetables. I always found it creepy to have to go down into the old, musty and gloomy cellar and would have loved to avoid it. Even if (and only if) it was followed by red peaches with vanilla ice cream for dessert. A very special delicacy and so worthwhile that I overcame and dared myself every time.

I'm feeling like this again today: my soul is sending me to the basement (my subconscious) to release old blockages. I am invited by myself to look at my old (bottled up) feelings such as frustration, anger, sadness, doubt, impatience etc. and, above all, to feel these emotions once again. Of course, this also involves the experiences, causes and beliefs that give rise to these feelings. 

Walk your talk or "I'm off to the basement." 

Holding the space for others, guiding them, encouraging them and accompanying them through the painful part of loving back is one of my competences. Doing it for myself is not so easy right now. Even if I know how to do it, know the techniques and get help. Only I can feel it, let myself in and allow it to happen.

The reward comes afterwards: more clarity, new strength, feeling liberated and being able to shape my life in a much more self-empowered way. And the most important thing: simply being myself more. That's why I go to the "basement". Again and again. Do you too?

Your checklist for self-coaching

Perhaps you would like to reach out to yourself with my short checklist and delve into your inner pantry? The checklist for your self-coaching will help you to recognise the "next jar of preserves" and bring it into your consciousness.

Write down:
Your challenge = What are you facing right now?
The hurdles = What's stopping you?
The feeling = How does it feel?
The reward = What you achieve?

I'm currently (once again) in the process of letting go of some old identity and security related to my job offer. This is what my list looks like:

1. My challenge:
   Letting go of recipes for success, sorting out offers and being even more courageous and consistent in my new endeavours.
2. The hurdles:
   Fear of loss, letting go of control, giving up supposed security, being able to fail
3. The feeling:
   Fear and grief (having to bury something ...)
4. The reward:
   Freedom, more ease, following my calling and finding more joy in what I do again
   

I have recognised it. But "feeling" is the key to healing and liberation. Loving back comes afterwards. In the next step, I can actively change circumstances.

As a short formula and reminder: wanting to avoid = bypassing = prolonging the process.

I sincerely hope that you will courageously enter your "cellar" again and again and bring the treasures back to you. If you would like support, I would be happy to accompany you. This is how you can reach me: hallo@martina-vanderveer.com.

The world is spinning ... well, it's spinning. A post on LinkedIn catapulted me into an emotional tunnel (with no light at the end) and my normally positive and optimistic attitude briefly disappeared. There was suddenly no trace of "joy as a compass" 🧭 ...

A heavy heart, sadness and fear of the future took over for a while. The feeling of being disempowered and a victim of circumstances initially made me feel helpless. Fortunately, I have a first aid kit for situations like this to recharge my batteries and be "self in power".

How do you do that? What's in your "self-rescue kit" (apart from chocolate 😉)?

My 1st aid tips

• Allow feelings and allow myself to recognise them. They are allowed to be there and have a good reason. However, I don't allow them to take over me permanently. As a coach once told me: "Pain is part of life. Suffering is optional." How do you feel about that?
  
• Do I know my true "good" reason and my need that lies beneath the feeling? Before I find my way back to confidence as a basic attitude, I want to recognise what my real need is. Security? How can I take care of that and myself?
  
• I talk about it. For me, it's an outlet that allows me to release the energy inside. Depending on how deep my pain, despair, fear, etc. is, I get help through coaching. So far, I've always found a solution (or a solution) so that I can move on better and more easily.
  
• Note to self: I remind myself: "When I look back from the future, I will see and understand what it was good for." I let my self take the wheel again, which can then be calm again out of deep confidence.
  
• I also use my first aid question list: What will it have served? What will I learn and develop from it? What is "the big picture" - for me, others, us? In what way does or should it get me moving, changing, taking action? What can I do now?

How would you add to this list? Please let me know how I can add to the "First aid kit for new confidence".

Inner certainty as a compass 🧭

What it also needs: Inner certainty. By this I mean deep trust and certainty without doubt. I'm not talking about faith or religion here, but about an attitude that is fuelled by me. Self-efficacy in the sense of "being effective myself" or "letting myself be effective". For me, it is knowledge: My self (soul, intuition, light of being) will not let me down. Never.

In dialogue with your self

Do you want to feel your own power and empower yourself? Use this exercise: write down whatever comes to mind without thinking too much:

"When you ask your soul (self) what it wants to tell you now, what do you hear?"

You will always get an answer. Trust yourself. A dear friend of mine does this exercise regularly and is always amazed at the valuable tips, insights and encouragement she receives. Self in power! This is how you let your Back at the wheel yourself. This may sound banal, but it has great power and realigns your inner compass.

My mantra: Looking back, it's good

I know I will deal with the situation. With every situation. I don't yet know how or what will come of it. I can only recognise that in retrospect. My path has shown me time and time again that "drama" resolves itself. Sooner or later ... I can resolve it by reminding myself: "You will make it through..." - You will make it through. And if I can do it, then you can do it too.

I just managed to finish the grapes on the 12th chime. I'm sharing my first spontaneous short video with you here, even though my self-critic is grumbling. But I know a great exercise to disempower her (see below) 😉.

What I wish for myself and for all of us: less "I could have, I should have, I ought to have..." and more freedom in being yourself. Of course, this first requires self-reflection in order to recognise yourself and your "good" reasons for doing or not doing things. The next step is to increase your self-confidence by strengthening your self-esteem - e.g. with self-esteem muscle training.

How does that work? Simple: With every self-criticism, you create a counterbalance yourself by realising what you have (nevertheless) done well. These can be small things that give you a much more balanced view and therefore a better feeling than the over-critical view that we tend to believe. Our own and that of others. This is where your own power comes in - Own Your Power!

Your change of perspective makes the difference
Have you fallen back into your old pattern? Cool, you've recognised it. And maybe you also know why or why it wasn't possible for you to do otherwise at that moment. = Important.

You weren't quick-witted, visible, courageous, strong? But you were calm, observed and listened or gave others space? = Valuable.

You had so firmly resolved to do it and failed again (best wishes from the New Year's resolutions ...)? What was your priority instead and what did it serve you for = essential (realisation)?

Your self-confidence grows from every experience that you categorise under the question: "What did I learn from this? What did it lead to? How can I evaluate it in retrospect?

Disempowering negative self-assessment and replacing it with a self-appreciative view is a game changer. And yes, it takes practice and your decision. The good news is that there is no expiry date for this. You can remind yourself and practise it at any time. If you ask me, that's a good plan for 2024.

If I had known this earlier and, above all, realised it, many things would have been easier for me! I'm talking about taking ownership of my insecurity and allowing her or myself to feel and communicate it. Why not? Take a moment to think about why it might not be a good idea. Do you realise that your experiences with the topic are immediately activated and your security guard (ego) immediately wants to determine what is right here? This is not self-determined, but a repetition loop.

Not feeling (completely) secure is completely justified and normal. However, we are still told that we must always and everywhere be in the lead without any sign of insecurity. As if this would make us more valuable. Unfortunately, this is one of the most widespread beliefs. "I mustn't show any signs of insecurity, otherwise ...". How would you complete that sentence?

"Unfortunately, I don't know if I can land the aircraft..."
Let's distinguish when your admission of insecurity might not make others feel good: Whenever I confide in you about myself and my life, I really want to feel that you are safe and that I can give you the lead and relinquish my control. Otherwise, I find it very approachable, human and genuine when someone admits that they are not safe at the moment. For me, this is a sure sign of true sovereignty and I practise it.

Out of the corset
I remember that I consciously developed behavioural strategies back in my school days to camouflage my deep insecurity, sensitivity and my previously very low self-esteem. This continued for a long time and even today I find myself in similar patterns from time to time. Unfortunately, because I actually know better and it makes my life so much easier otherwise.

A few days ago I was able to have this experience again. I channelled a Vocal Sound Healing in my first workshop "More Power4 you". Some of the women taking part knew me from previous seminars and therefore only from a business context. This fact briefly beamed me into my old "security/business corset" in my new visibility and I was much less relaxed than usual. It was only afterwards that I realised that it would have been so much softer, easier, more engaging and more relaxing to openly admit my insecurity (= fear of not liking it). The great thing is: I recognised it, understood it, took ownership of it and can now deal with it much more confidently next time. Because I will probably be insecure again the next time.

The more I allow myself to accept my insecurities and share them with others, the more confident and self-determined I am. Watch the video for tips on how you can do this more easily in future. Let's work together to turn "Insecure - just don't" into "Insecure, but safe!".

If you know your personal motivation, you are in control. Then you have the power (self-power) to determine for yourself what is the best behaviour for you now. Emphasis on self - and this has nothing to do with your ego (learned behaviour). You can give yourself this feeling of inner freedom and autonomy. It's up to you - not your ego - how you want to deal with the situation. How do you find that?

This is the best "ego hacking" to get ahead
1. your reality check
"Do you know with 100% certainty that what you are thinking is true?" No, you think it, but you don't know it. In addition to this personal stopper for automatic (unconscious) behaviour, the "reality check", you need another step so that your self can be in the lead.

2. your cost-benefit check
Use this simple technique to take stock and make a conscious decision for yourself: Your personal "cost-benefit check". You only need two simple questions to find out what "your good reason" for your behaviour is. And above all, what could be a better reason.

Ask yourself:
What do I gain from this (old) behaviour? What do I avoid (= gain) with this behaviour?
What does this (old) behaviour cost me? What do I lose as a result?
Can you or do you (still) want to afford this behaviour?

The great thing about it: as soon as you really know why you are reacting in the way you are, you can weigh up whether it really serves you at that moment. If yes - stick with it! But then there's no more "I could have..., should have..., why didn't I..." afterwards. This de-stresses you and gives you back your own power.

Once you realise this, it will be much easier for you to manage your own behaviour and master your everyday life with more ease.

I see the ego as a security guard. It is my inner value guard and security guard that decides at lightning speed, based on experience and learnt values, how I should behave now in order to... . This has "good" reasons and is justified, because it is always concerned with ensuring my survival. That may sound exaggerated, but the desire for belonging and affirmation is a motivator for each of us, i.e. a good reason. It is my omniscient self, my intuition or soul that wants to look after my best and highest good at all times. Both have their justification and the moment we are (self-)aware, we can take good care of ourselves with completely new power - in the sense of possibility.

Self-empowerment - The power you give (back) to yourself
When we realise how much and what creative power we truly possess, we have a whole new freedom to act consciously. And to actively shape our everyday lives. Own your power is the maxim! Of course, there are constraints and conditions that we cannot change and we are determined by external factors. Nevertheless, even here there remains a large field for self-power instead of powerlessness: we can change our judgement of a circumstance.

You've probably heard the saying: "love it, change it or leave it", also known as the LCL method. While researching the origins of this motto, which is indispensable in coaching and personal development, I came across this quote: "There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you can't accept it, change it. If you can't change it, leave it." Unknown author.

I think the most important, powerful and liberating option is missing here as the last step: "If you can't leave it, love it". Because if I can't or don't want to leave the circumstances, then there is still one option: take them as they are. Change your assessment of things if you can't change things or the circumstances themselves. We have this power. At any time. And to be honest - I personally think this is the most difficult option. Not necessarily easy, but doable. It gives you back the power to deal with a situation.

Victim of circumstances or powerful through acceptance?
I get to refresh these lessons from time to time ... Recently, my Mac broke down from one day to the next and took a week's worth of data with it. That was annoying and expensive. Some time ago, my lesson in composure was much more painful. After almost tearing my right leg off trying to water ski, there was no room for the "change it or leave it" option. Everything inside me ran amok. I thought it was unfair that this happened to me - I wanted to bravely try something new and ventured out of my comfort zone. I felt like I was being punished, like a victim of circumstances... and I definitely didn't deserve that. I had to put all my plans on hold, cancel seminars, cancel my summer holiday and, as I couldn't move well, my radius was extremely limited. I couldn't drive or cycle, I couldn't go for a walk or swim, I couldn't exercise anyway and sitting hurt. Suddenly I was thrown back on myself and seemingly deprived of all the things I enjoy doing, especially in summer. After a while of moaning and suffering, I accepted the situation. What else could I do? Everything else made no sense and, above all, put me in a bad mood ...

I didn't have much choice but to accept that my body had set me a clear limit. Due to the external circumstances, I was now determined by others and that couldn't be argued away. So there was only one thing left to do: accept the circumstances as they were. The moment I did this, I was suddenly self-determined again. It was up to me to make the best of my situation. Once again, it was a total eye-opener for me. I have since realised what this experience was for and I am grateful that I was forced to stop running away. I was finally able to move forward - internally and externally. 

In every situation, regardless of the circumstances, we have the freedom to decide in favour of a certain attitude and assessment of the situation. This is a conscious act, because each of us has this self that can take the wheel out of the ego's hands. Are you already following yourself? Do you allow your self to lead you?

One of my biggest goals is to be more and more in touch with myself and to trust my self-management. A process, yes - but every investment is worth it.

Self-empowerment is a task that we are obliged to do (for ourselves). The word says it all: it's about empowering ourselves. In other words, accepting the power with which we can shape our lives. Only you can give yourself permission to embrace your true power. Are you ready?

You are powerful, even if it doesn't feel like it. Take full ownership of your creative power again. In the video you will find a few initial tips on how to do this. In my article "Without power? Never!" you will find a checklist that will strengthen your self-empowerment.

What else can you do to feel powerful?

Why don't you come to my free workshop "MORE POWER 4 YOU" and together we will find the tips and tools that will support you. You can register for the regular online workshop here: https://martina-vanderveer.com/morepower4you/.

We all know situations in which we feel powerless, i.e. without power. As children, we experienced this feeling when we were unable to assert our will or when our needs were not recognised and fulfilled. That is painful! Based on such experiences, everyone has developed certain behaviours for dealing with the feeling of powerlessness. What is it like for you? How do you deal with the feeling of being (supposedly) without power today? If you stumble over the "supposedly" - I'll get to that in a moment.

Help, I've lost control!
Would it still feel like powerlessness if I could face a situation with serenity and devotion? In other words, park my judgement of the situation for a moment and look at it with an open "aha" or "hello" as a neutral possibility for observation. This is not (yet) easy without practice, even if it would be easy to do. Because in most cases, the stimulus is immediately followed by my unfiltered evaluation - and this results in my feelings and behaviour. Unconsciously, I fall back on the experiences (= reference points) that have characterised me throughout my life.

Being aware of this is the first essential step. "Aha, that's how I do it. Oh yes, that's what's underneath. Hello hello, I already know that." - In this way, I help myself to build a buffer and remember to look at myself. Keyword: self in charge instead of letting my ego take control. For me, this is a piece of self-power, the antithesis of powerlessness.

Own your Power: "Supposedly" is the truth
With a small movement you can empower yourself: Remind yourself that you can always accept that you have no way of controlling, determining, changing, being right, etc. right now. Surrender and serenity give you the power to disempower powerlessness.

You probably know the LCL formula: "Love it. Change it. Leave it." My focus here is solely on "Love it" - embrace it and accept it. Please understand me correctly: Gather and use all your power and possibilities to change something or let it go/leave it. With this aspect of the formula, you are reaching out to yourself and reminding yourself that you always have the power - in the sense of freedom of choice and the ability to shape things. You can freely decide at any time to accept the fact that you are not in control. In my Video "Without power?" you can find out more.

There are circumstances that I can't change. I don't like it, it restricts me, it feels terrible. It doesn't matter whether it's force majeure, other people's decisions or my own creations. Accepting this fact is powerful. I had a good lesson in this recently when my Mac suddenly went out. Data gone, two-year-old laptop broken, a lot of effort and expense as a result, nerves on edge, anger and I felt victimised for a while. Fortunately, I was able to see and take ownership of my "victim status" and the feeling (pain) that lay underneath. At that moment it dissolved and I (my self) was once again the "ruler" in my own house.

Can you recognise your "fantasy of omnipotence" and take ownership of it? We want to control (=security) and our expectations (judgements) are the measure of all things. That's fine. Just be aware that you are helping to determine the degree to which you feel powerless.

Use this little checklist to help you deal with situations in which there is no room for manoeuvre in the future:

- Realise for yourself that you feel powerless and remind yourself that the child inside you is probably running amok. It can do that too. Allow yourself the feeling and be kind to yourself.
- Take ownership of your feelings. By that I mean: give yourself space, recognise that this is how you feel right now and don't try to push it away or talk yourself into something nice.
- Only in the next step, and especially in retrospect, can you sort, research and consider what the situation was good for. Which old wounds, traumas and beliefs were activated? What are your learnings? Is there still something for you to heal?
- Be truly powerful and change your opinion or judgement about the circumstance that you cannot change. Can it be like that?

We cannot control everything, which is why accepting our limits gives us valuable (inner) freedom. Recognising this and acting accordingly is powerful. Feeling follows thought and we have that in our own hands.

Therefore, being without power is by no means the truth.

Do you know that too? How does it feel for you? What do you think and how do you deal with it?

My spectrum ranges from stubborn, defiant after-school child: "Then don't, everyone can have me for once ...", to howling heap of misery: "Why me? What have I done to deserve this ...?", to the swearing flamethrower who blames others (if possible): " ... ". I'd rather spare you that!

In that moment, I flew out of the awareness that everything that is happening to me right now is an offer. An offer to grow, to heal and to consciously deal with the thoughts, feelings and actions that are caused by it. Power? Own power? Were blown away for the moment. The feeling of powerlessness took over and pushed me off the curve.

It took me a moment to realise that the idea of powerlessness gave me the opportunity to taste the flavour of honest emotions. Emotions that I had as a child, naturally and above all without judgement, and that I no longer allow myself to feel today. I don't like feeling anger, sadness or despair - and I don't find them very "chic" either. As an expert in soul and self-leadership, shouldn't I be so far advanced that this no longer happens to me? "Tjongejongejonge" - as the Dutch would say with a stunned shake of the head or astonishment. A nice illusion that my ego would like me to believe and that I can smile fondly about.

In the past, I would have pushed away my unloved feelings, immediately gone into action mode, found solutions and rushed over myself mercilessly. Anything to avoid feeling helpless (powerless). This time, I allowed myself to accept all feelings and give them space. Self-permission is powerful. Taking time and space for unloved feelings is powerful. Surrender (accepting the circumstances) is powerful.

I am never without power. I had forgotten that for a moment. And of course I looked for a solution, but this time with much more calm and composure.

My Mac can no longer be saved, a week's worth of data is gone and everything that goes with it now costs me work, time and money. Annoying - in any case. But that's all that's happened. Or did it?

Looking back, I can better understand the offer or gift in this situation: it may feel powerless to be so helpless in the face of a circumstance. But the moment I begin to accept it, it becomes my own power. I always have the power to accept it, to recognise the feelings that come with it and to embrace them. I am never without power. Because no one can take this power away from me!

The formula that will make this easier for you as a first step is: "Aha instead of Oh dear". Or "Hello, what have we here?" Both help you to first observe and perceive with a little distance. Then you can sort, feel and decide with more clarity.

How do you see this? Have you had similar experiences where your self has taken the lead again and you have taken back ownership of your power? If you would like to take full ownership of your power again, why not come to the free workshop on 29 November? "MorePower4you". I would be delighted to become more powerful together with you.

Letting go of the old and realising that this experience will help me move forward is what I have learned - as well as significantly better data backup in the future. Even if it was a painful and expensive experience, the realisation is well worth it: I decide whether (and for how long) I stay stuck in the drama or feel like a victim of circumstances and therefore powerless. Even the less attractive feelings are precious, belong to me and want to be recognised and loved back.

I have flown out of the old curve to continue in a new orbit. I am now moving forward with new confidence and more strength.